Did I do a bad thing? Or the right thing??

I kissed another boy. I might have even liked it.

Okay. I need some help here. I have been very irritated with Adam lately. He went on his little single guys cruise, and I really haven't talked to him too much since he got back. Before he left, we had a big heart to heart about us, and what exactly the problem is. And he finally admitted in the exact words, "I am scared to be with you, I don't know if I can be a father to Brody. I don't want to lose you, I know you are the best thing for me, I'm just scared."

Yeah, I knew that was coming.

So after his trip to the tropics, he comes back here where its 30 below, and he gets sick. So all last week we didn't talk about it, or hardly at all for that matter. He was better by the weekend, but wanted to stay home by himself, probably because he knows I'd make him talk about it. He says, just give me some time. Sorry, but I think I've given you lots of time. Too much, actually.

Saturday night I had a girls night, went out to eat, and shopping and some barhopping with a friend who is going to Vegas with me. When we reached our hometown bar, there were lots of people out. This one guy, who just happens to be very good friends with Adam was in there, and came up to me right away. I always say hi, but not a lot more. I think he's kind of shy, and it can be hard for me to talk to shy guys. I'm not used to it I guess.

Well, he asked what was going on with Adam, and I said nothing. Because really, we are kind of at a standstill. He seemed to like this answer and started talking my ear off. I was kind of shocked, because I didn't know he liked to talk so much! I ended up having a few people over after the bar, and of course he came along. He was the last to leave, and before he did he told me he liked me and wanted to call me, and I kissed him. A.really.nice.kiss.

Now I feel guilty. Not really for kissing someone, because I am allowed. But for kissing Adams friend. Why did it have to be his friend? I would be so heartbroken if Adam kissed any of my friends. Or worse. Started to date them? Because I am seriously thinking about it. Maybe it would be a good thing for me to see someone else. Let him realize I'm not just waiting around for him anymore. But his friend? Yikes.

I don't know. Right now, I'm still trying to figure out if I kissed him because I like him or just because I am mad at Adam? Because he will find out, if he hasn't already. And he will be hurt. and that actually does in a small way please me. I'm tired of the run around. But I still love him and want him. So now what do I do?