An Exhausting Topic

I am really conflicted about something (someone) today. You see, I have this ex boyfriend (who is not Brody's father). We haven't actually been together for a year now. Here's a quick version of what went down: We were (are) great together. We both knew (know) it, and so did everyone else. We weren't even together a year yet, and about this time last year, he got scared.

I am three years older than he is, and I have a (now) 3 year old. He still won't admit it, but I know the whole "real life" factor of my life terrifies him. He also had a lot of single friends who liked to give him hell about me, settling down, playing daddy and whatnot, which didn't help. ...and his mom loved me.

So, he decided he just needed a little space. I gave it to him. I was never in any hurry to settle down, have more kids, whatever his friends were putting in his head. SO I didn't push, said I am here, when you are ready. So, playing the hey I'm a single 23 year old, I can do what I want, he ended up sleeping with a 19 year old.(How complete opposite of me can you get than a 19 year old you doesn't have a care in the world or responsibility to anyone but herself).

I was heartbroken. Then, icing on the cake, a month in a half later, he finds out she is pregnant. Boom, he has a live-in pregnant girlfriend. Now, I was devastated. I went through the whole, I should have fought to keep him, how could he do this to me? (yeah, I really thought it was some sort of evil joke).

They of course, were not working out. I chose to move on, and tried my best (successfully) to avoid him at all costs. Then, I hear she either lost the baby, or that there never was a baby in the first place. And she was cheating on him the whole time, and he kicked her out. I still chose to do nothing and continue to hate him.

All of the sudden I was seeing him EVERYWHERE. I realized that I wasn't the only one before who was avoiding the other one. Then one night there was a street dance and he had the guts to come and stand right next to me and talk to my best friends boyfriend. I couldn't believe him. I know now, he was just trying to get me to talk to him, or even look at him, but at the time I was soooo mad. So I texted him (because sometimes it doesn't matter if you delete a number you are still going to know it) and told him just what i thought about his little trick.

We ended up talking that night there in the middle of the street for a good hour, and another 2 on the phone later that night, and have been continually talking (on and off) for the last few months. The problem is, if we just talk on the phone, it's okay. But after a few hours of conversation, you really want to see that person. I will absolutely NOT let him see Brody right now, so that means, if we are going to see each other, it has to be after he is sleeping, which means, more than likely, spending the night. (Don't go thinking I'm a big slut here, because I am not. But I do love to cuddle, especially with someone I care about :)

So I will let him come over, we'll cuddle, talk all night, get that much closer, and then, boom! again, he pulls away. Not so much, but enough that it's more like 1 step forward, 4 steps back. I know he cares about me. I also know that (especially now after his own real life scare) that he is terrified of commitment and he has said to me, exact words, I know if I am with you again then that is it for me. Like his life is over. I don't know how to take that.

It is hard for me to tell him exactly what I want and how I feel, because I do not trust him anymore. Our old relationship is broken, we can't use it as a crutch, we need to build a new one. He, being a dumb boy, seems to think we can just keep this long drawn out process going until he decides he's ready to grow up. But for me, it's not working.

I know I want to be with him, and I miss him terribly. But his logic is lost on me. I feel like he's stringing me out, waiting for something better to come along, which he gets really defensive about, saying that's not true, there's no one else, that he just needs to be him for awhile.

One thing I want to make clear: I have not asked or pushed for anything here. Ever, actually. I am just fine with him being my boyfriend, living in his house, while I live in mine, a 12 minute drive away. I have not ever pushed for him to spend time with Brody, and really, they didn't. Just enough so they were comfortable with each other. How he thinks "his life is over" and no more fun, I don't know. Maybe because he has to actually commit his feelings to me when we are together? Who knows.

I know if I just be patient and wait, it'll happen. Very patient. But, part of me wonders why I am? I don't want to end up settling for less than what I want. Which I guess is why I wait.